Desperately Seeking The Denial of Death

The Expat In Mandalay

2012-01-21T20:03:00.000-08:00

" Hey Dakini Bud,
I hope you remembered to say bye-bye
to all the comforts of home."

Another Vague Goal For 2012

2012-01-13T20:52:00.001-08:00

I will try to create meaning

where none exists.

Why No Potemkin Village ?

2012-01-09T07:22:00.001-08:00

Because,
people should be forced
to walk through
the Charnel ground
instead.

Is The Russian Some Kind of Genius ?

2012-01-04T08:13:00.000-08:00

Yes,
the Russian is
some kind of genius.

He is as vast and mysterious as the Siberian tundra itself.

The Russian soul remains unknowable.

Derivative of What ?

2012-01-02T20:27:00.000-08:00

Ah yes,
if only I was derivative of something
or somebody else,
my purpose in life
would be more clearly defined.

Sensitive Material For The Few That Understand

2011-12-29T06:40:00.000-08:00

Once you recognize with technicolor clarity,
that most people are lying about their own biographies,
you will understand instantly,
why others don't have the capacity to comfort
in ways that we can actually feel.

This is why some of us walk around with a broken heart:
It's not possible to touch,
be touched,
or connect deeply,
with those that live in fabricated bubbles
of narcissistic propaganda.

Who the hell are we really dealing with
when we get involved with other people ?

And why do so many people have the audacity
to present themselves as being more fabulous
than they actually are ?

It's gross.

What If I Become A Sleepy Winter Bear ?

2011-12-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

Maybe that's what I need,
to just sleep through winter.
You know what they say about sleep ?
She is the beautiful, restorative sister of death.

That could be quite wonderful;
to just wake up,
look outside,
and notice that spring has arrived.

But what if Ms. Disenchanted Bear arises,
only to discover,
that people are still people,
and nothing has changed ?

She may just return to her cave in the springtime.
Life on manimal farm is mostly a pretty insulting experience.

My Life Purpose for 2012

2011-12-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

My goal for the next 12 months
will be to try and hide
from my own emotional pain.

My primary focus will be to just stop caring
that life hurts so god-damn much.

This is the year that I will keep
my clinical depression a big secret,
from everyone.

WiLL I Be Able To Hide My Disappointment ?

2011-12-24T07:36:00.000-08:00

You mean when I blog in 2012 ?
My blogging experience might look different next year;
then again, maybe not.

Some things never change.

I don't know what it looks like from your angle,
but from where I'm standing,
it's politics as usual.
'Everything' is essentially rigged.
Read into that whatever you want;
it applies to all that you can think of.

Rigged systems are allergic to truth.
So am I speaking about the art world now,
or something related to gender inequality ?

It's open to interpretation.
Just apply this post to something that you witness repeatedly,
that feels shitty and unfair to you.

The Dismantling Ceremony Exemption

2011-12-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Some sand mandalas should just be left alone,
to live,
after they have been built.

Like, those paintings that I created about the Russian.
I'm not going to throw those pieces in the dumpster,
or paint over them.

Amor Fati

2011-12-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

It starts with a violent illness,
and then homeostasis settles in,
at last.

Why Would I Say That ?

2011-12-18T18:36:00.000-08:00

Why would I say that moving forward
looks a lot like aversion therapy,
where we consciously put ourselves through exercises,
that require us to lose everything ?

Because, that's what we're doing anyway !
Nobody is accumulating and maintaining.
(except for the 1%)
We're all shedding and losing.

Similar conversations are held in overpacked churches,
full of people desperate for answers.
The only difference is,
most people can only speak about this
if they have an unshakable faith,
that somehow,
somewhere,
someway,
a benevolent God exists.

I actually admire these people.
They get to go to heaven,
just because they were born.

Will I Find My Voice Again ?

2011-12-17T19:15:00.000-08:00

Yes.
I will try to ease back into some kind of groove,
so that I don't sound paranoid or reluctant to speak.
I trust that I still have things to say.

After all, this is performance art :)
An awkward pause can be used as a segue.

A lot happened on this blog
over the last eight days.
Most of it is now unpublished,
but no doubt,
a turning point was reached.

I'm still faced with the question
of how to address the issue of hopelessness
in a way that uplifts.
It's the ultimate challenge that lies before me.

The future demands that we cultivate courage,
as we dare to admit,
that we will lose our youth,
we may lose our health,
or our ability to produce labor,
in a world that doesn't have our back,
when the inevitable season comes to visit
each and every one of us.
( unless you're part of the 1% )

I didn't mention this until now,
but I no longer feel the old hurts,
so if this blog has served as a vehicle for healing,
then it hasn't been entirely meaningless
for me to use this space as a cathartic dumping ground.
The past is not something that I'm concerned about, now.

I need to move forward,
and explore what it means to theoretically lose everything,
and still be relatively ok,
in this groundless vortex,
as I prepare for the big sleep,
never knowing how or when the hour will come.

Keep in mind that I'm going to try and do this,
WITHOUT the belief that God exists.

Why The Need For A Clinical Tone ?

2011-12-15T19:33:00.002-08:00

Because,
it
makes
it easier
for me
to maintain
this blog.

My Responsibility With This Blog

2011-12-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

My responsibility may be to try and maintain
a clinical tone if I continue to explore
legitimate hopelessness.

I think I tapped into it during the months
of July, August and September.
I didn't exactly ace it,
I probably never will,
but I did put in a certain amount of effort
to surrender to what is.

There has to be some kind of balance
between resistance and surrender
that I haven't smoothly mastered yet.

Is it possible to feel that life is meaningful
if we use The Four Noble Truths as our compass ?

Where Is This Blog Going ?

2011-12-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

Every time I write a post from now on,
I will be reminded that there are people here,
from the world of work.

I wasn't prepared for this.
I'm concerned that it will affect my ability
to write freely.

In many ways,
I have come full circle with this blog.

They say that we're all just looking
for that last great f#ck.
I consummated my relationship with the Russian.

I'm no longer redundant.

I Wish I Had A Magic Wand

2011-12-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

I would create a blog that only the Russian and German
could follow,
especially now that things are getting spicy
between the 3 of us.

It doesn't turn me on,
get me off,
or arouse me,
to receive information
that people in this town know about this blog.

It defeats the whole purpose
of trying to remain unknown by the locals !

I'm not looking to recreate "The Russian Experience" with anyone
that I have already met,
or people that think they know me from somewhere,
like the grocery store,
or workplace.

This is my trip,
and I want to be left alone in my vacuum
to process through it.

That's what this blog is:
It's a documentation of what process looks like.
It's not meant to be discussed or interrupted.

Please don't make me feel uncomfortable,
by sharing your thoughts about my blog,
with me.

Just recognize that I have boundaries,
and don't want my ability to communicate with the Russian
to be impeded in any way.

...Suddenly, I lost my taste for writing erotica fiction.

Yes-Something Changed Last Night

2011-12-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

I took my relationship
with the intentional Russian
to the next level.

The Triangle

2011-12-06T06:52:00.000-08:00

I thought that a TMT party with the 2 European social scientists
would be the perfect way for me to prepare for the big sleep.

I'm not deluded about my own mortality.

And yet,
when I look around,
I see that most people aren't trying to arrange
'overt' terror management theory parties,
all because the end is in sight.

On the contrary,
most people are too wrapped up in their great immortality projects
to even give death a second thought.

Whereas I'm thinking,
"If ever there was a time for a last hurrah,
now would be it !"

I Want To Party With The Russian

2011-12-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

I
want to
party with
the German too.

It's Not Here

2011-12-02T20:52:00.000-08:00

Whatever it is I'm looking for,
it's not here,
not in this town.

Is The Russian Just A Distraction ?

2011-12-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, the Russian is a distraction.
But if anyone needs or deserves a distraction,
it would be me.

Mostly, I just hope that the Russian is ok,
and is getting everything he/she needs
to be a healthy, well-adjusted human being.

I hope the Russian has a mama that loves him/her.

Maybe I'm starting to care for The Russian ?

I Need A Favor From The Russian

2011-12-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

If I decide to become bold,
and dare to go on dates in this hopeless town,
will you please be my chaperone?

I'm scared !
I need a security blanket.

Sound Bytes of Community

2011-11-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

Hi Russia :)
How are you today ?

I've been talking to people lately,
asking them questions,
about what I might need to do,
to start feeling like everyone else.

Sounds like I would have to put myself
in the line of fire,
or volunteer to have my heart broken,
if I don't want to end up being the tribe member
that gets left behind.

I like what we have together.
I told you about my naive fondness for pure friendship,
remember ?

Question For The Social Scientist

2011-11-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

Have you ever written any papers
on the increasing number of people
that randomly search,
in the dark,
to see if they can find their tribe ?

The Intentional Russian Is Not A Bot

2011-11-27T20:55:00.000-08:00

I still can't tell if he/she is involved with
Terror Management Theory research.
But I know that I've been communicating with a real person.

I saw a picture of the university where (s)he studies
"the problems of culture".

Or do I have the Russian confused with the German ?

We Can't All Squirt Out Babies

2011-11-27T17:47:00.000-08:00

Some of us will go through life
wondering what to do with all this time ????????

There's always the next meal to look forward to.
Yum !

I have big appetite,
big, big appetite.

What If The Russian Is Just A Bot ?

2011-11-25T19:06:00.000-08:00

Yeah ? So ?
It's like saying,
"the only time she expresses her true inner needs
is when she sits down to eat a meal."

Or,

"She produced a couple of stillborn children
that had a tremendous amount of potential
while they were still in her womb."

One can live countless lifetimes in a New York minute,
and still wonder what the heck to do with the next 40 years.

I Figured Out What The Russian Represents

2011-11-24T18:30:00.000-08:00

The
chance
to finally
be heard.

NPOCTO-HANPOCTO

How The 'Intentional' Russian Can Help Me

2011-11-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

From Li Mu Bai to this.
That's how process works.

Dear Russia,

I'll probably be ok.
Chances are I'll get through this life
completely disillusioned,
and maybe only slightly heartbroken because of it.

I was hoping that if we talk,
you could share some reserved,
Spock like objectivity with me.

I'm afraid dear Russia,
that the things we all need most in life,
are the things we never get.

Is there something you could say,
that will help me accept this easier ?

Work With What Ya Got Baby !

2011-11-23T06:33:00.000-08:00

I still haven't lost touch with The Four Noble Truths,
nor have I forgotten that I'm a limited human being,
doing the best that I can
with the tools that I've been given.

There is a very encouraging article in this issue of Shambhala Sun,

about how to work with the illusion of failure.

Simply put: If we don't exist,
then the idea of failure isn't even real.
But, if we believe in the dreaded "I",
and carry around stories about how we should have found ways
to become more successful in life,
and if we treat the concept of personal failure seriously,
we will always find ways to make lemonade out of lemons,
which is a good thing.
But the article kept returning to the point that failure isn't real.
Does that mean that the author
was letting underachievers off the hook ?
It's mighty refreshing if he was.

I Just Realized Something Russia

2011-11-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

You know more about me,
than anyone does.

I don't think anyone in this town
even knows about this blog.

( I'm so glad I never told the monk about it ! )

But back to you,
I sure wish I knew something about you.

Return To Innocence

2011-11-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get back in that zone,
that will allow me to think,
feel,
pray,
and talk,
the way that St. Therese of Lisieux did.

She was no dark mystic.
She remained innocent.

She is the beloved feel good saint of both children
and grandmothers.

I once had what she had,
but then I was exposed to things,
that I need to forget,
so that I can return to innocence.

Mostly, It's Not That Complicated

2011-11-21T19:36:00.000-08:00

We all just need to find the right kind of people to talk to.
I'm a big fan of pure friendship.
If we have enough of that in our lives,
we can stay strong,
and easily recognize the basic goodness in others.

Eye-Von-Tuh-Meet-Zee-Russian

2011-11-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

The nonsense of the holidays is upon us,
and I really need to find some new people to hang out with.
Is the Russian male or female ?
It makes no difference to me.
This post has nothing to do with gender or romance.

Should I Blog When I'm 'Secretly' Angry ?

2011-11-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

It's probably not a good idea to do that anymore.
I did plenty of that when I started this project.
And most of us already know that life isn't fair :((

So I will try to show good form,
and practice some bittersweet mindfulness.

I'm driving to the bird sanctuary today.
It's that time again:
The Festival of The Cranes.

That Other Road

2011-11-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

This blogging experience has forced me
to take a long hard look at what smart women know.

So what do smart women know,
that I never discovered until recently ?

Smart women snatched up the Li Mu Bais of this world,
as soon as they got out of high school or college.

I showed up 20 years too late.

Russia-You've Got To Believe Me

2011-11-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

I never wanted to know this much
about being alone.

It's embarrassing.

The human animal was not designed for this.

A Big Secret For The Russian

2011-11-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

I feel like a worker bee that has tuberculosis.

There's an unreasonable amount of pressure on me to never get sick,
or become incapable of producing labor.

Another Question For The Russian

2011-11-17T21:02:00.000-08:00

What
is
the story
with your situational reality ?

Opposing Perspectives On The Void

2011-11-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

When it comes to the void,
me and the monk cease to understand one another.
He spends his days gleaning inspiration from it;
writing catchy little poems about it,
and then dishing it up into dharma talks.

"Oh how glorious, the awesome nature of this void !"

I told him that the void has created illness in my life.
He just says,
"Well then you still have work to do,
you've got to get rid of your ego."

I said,
"Dammit Master ! I can't follow abstract instructions anymore !
You've got to be more specific,
give me something more concrete to work with!"

He said,
"Ok, here's some real simple instructions:
spend the next 20 minutes sweeping the meditation hall,
and then when you're through,
we can talk about the void,
if you're still holding onto it."

What I Have Discovered

2011-11-16T06:59:00.001-08:00

There are some forms of loneliness,
that most people will never have the misfortune of knowing.
The signs and reminders of this are everywhere.

Why do I keep repeating myself ?
Because, I don't understand why it's so elusive,
and out of reach,
this experience,
of getting to feel just like everyone else.

Why do I want to feel like everyone else ?
Because,
I think my psychological health
would stand a better chance at survival,
if I did.

Somewhere In Siberia

2011-11-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

Good Evening Russia !

I have decided that it doesn't matter if you're male,
female,
or a genderless bot.

I just appreciate that you have been the only consistent witness
to what has been both the best and worst year of my life.

And I want to thank you for allowing me to work through this process
of irreverent cognitive dissonance,
that nobody knows about it, but you.

So remember what I said.
If it gets too cold in your neck of the woods,
you can come visit me.

You are welcome in my home.

Maybe I Should Hang With The Monk Again

2011-11-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

Just so I can hear him say:
"Silly girl, there is no solid phenomena
or tangible experience that can be grasped.
We don't exist !"

One time I cornered him,
and said,
"Come on Master, tell the truth,
don't you ever struggle with the problem of separateness
or painful isolation ?
This is a mighty big, silent temple.
You just sit here, for hours, in the dark,
with no one around.
Doesn't your meditation experience ever suck ?"

He just looked at me with an all knowing smile and said,
"No Karen, it doesn't."

All I could say to that was,
"Well then,
I guess that's why some people get to use the word master
tagged before their name."

I Renounce The Solitary Way

2011-11-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

I just want to have a normal f*cking life,
where people sit around
and talk about what's for dinner.

You Know What The Real Problem is Russia?

2011-11-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

Talking about this stuff with the people I already know,
just makes me feel worse.
They all have an out; be it family, intergenerational support,
inheritances waiting to be had, trust funds, grandpa's old land,
faith, God, true love, or job security.
I'm jealous !
I'm the only one I know that never has an anchor to hold onto.
It's slowly killing me,
kind of like Chinese Water Torture.
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
I loathe the isolation.
I detest the constant reminders that I'm not just like everyone else.
I'm having an allergic reaction
to the groundlessness of my experience.
My heart is broken, and my immune system is compromised,
because I am not plugged into community,
in a way that would require me to show up repeatedly,
for something far bigger and greater
than the problem of my own self-focused existence.

I need to be obligated to show up for something that feels solid,
and allows for the exchange
of ongoing "stable" interpersonal dialogue.

I'm not getting any mileage out of being a self contained unit.
It was easier for me to overlook redundancy in my earlier seasons,
but it makes me squirm with great unease now.

Message For The Russian

2011-11-13T11:35:00.000-08:00

Are you a bot ?
The reason I ask is because you're the theme
of my most recent painting,
and I will have to change the storyline,
if you're not really a man.

This is not a problem.
I've been waiting for the opportunity to use the title
'It Was Only A Bot'

Have I Been Slipping Lately ?

2011-11-13T07:18:00.000-08:00

Have I lost touch with the great equanimity ?
Kind of.
I've been throwing little hissy fits
at the whole idea of radical acceptance,
and telling myself that it's all a bunch of bullshit,
if I really want to change my fate.

So, the big grown up girls sat me down last night,
and told me that we can only choose one path
at any given time,
and that the road we're on
will reflect our fate of the moment.

One married woman confessed that she's painfully lonely,
and said she would give anything to change places with me !!!!!!!!!!

I asked naively,
"Are you sure ? You see how humiliating this is for me.
Would you really be prepared to face illness, aging, and death,
all alone ?"

She responded,
"Karen, I'm already facing these things alone,
it wouldn't be that much of a paradigm shift."

"Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her.
Many a thing she ought to understand."

Just Admit It Karen

2011-11-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

Things aren't always as bad
as you make them out to be.

The Darwinian Farce

2011-11-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

So tell me Russia,
what can I do about my redundancy?

Any 42 year old woman that can't kick it with the other gals
at the karaoke bar,
and gleefully sing in unison,
"Both Sides Now",
is bound to feel a little uncomfortable about fate.

The Remote Viewing Safety Watch

2011-11-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Russia,

I forgot to mention The PTSD flare-ups.
They can appear randomly,
without warning,
and at any time on this blog.

Can we play the Kangaroo game til Monday morning ?
You know, the nurture game,
where I rest safely in your pouch ?

My Protestant parents always told me to never cry for help,
but I'm imploding,
and I need to reach out....

Just breathe in rhythm with me for a while.
Get me out of this moment and 'SAFELY' into the next.

I hope it's ok for me to need you ?
I hope you're not scared of my delicate, fragile, vulnerable nature ?

Generally, when I try to share this side of myself with others,
they just make me feel worse,
by reminding me,
that I'm 100% alone.

Russia,
I can't do it alone anymore.
I just can't.

If you have my back,
I have yours.

Thanks,
Karen

Good Morning Russia

2011-11-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

I hope you have a warm enough jacket
to get you through the winter months.
If it gets too cold,
you can come visit me.

your faithful friend,
Karen Elizabeth

Something Just Doesn't Feel Right

2011-11-10T21:22:00.000-08:00

This fate,
I want to change it.

Hurry Now Karen-Refresh The Front Page

2011-11-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

I always feel like everything I've ever said
needs to be hidden away in the archives,
never to be found,
by anyone !

Of course I want the story to change,
but even if it doesn't,
I still need to find a way to be cool with fate.

Call It A Personal Ad

2011-11-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

If other women have the right
to request commitment and monogamy,
then I have the right to request it too.

The Real Purpose of The Second Attention

2011-11-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

Some of us spend time there because it's
safe, healthy, and we can intuitively trust it.

In the absence of having a real partner,
it's still important for me to practice
the exchange of deep care,
with various friendly ghosts,
in the noble realm of the "total relationship" experience.

It ends up being more meaningful and satisfying
than any of those lame, sketchy arrangements
that revolve around emotional laziness,
found in the 3d world.

Why bother with the lowest common denominator
if the only thing it can offer
is the "opportunity" to set us back,
and stunt our growth ?

Communication is never tacky, insulting, or harmful,
in The Second Attention.

My Relationship With A Proxy Server

2011-11-08T18:07:00.001-08:00

We don't always have to talk about
the horrors of the TMT experience.

We can talk about sweet innocent things too.

Will you please turn into a kangaroo
so that I can live in your pouch ?

Can Someone Help Me With My Delivery ?

2011-11-07T22:38:00.000-08:00

So that I stop giving the impression
that I've been injured by fate ?

Important Message In A Bottle

2011-11-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

Please tell the TMT Mastermind,
that I need to see those unpublished documents,
on how I can spend the next 40 years,
living in successful denial.

Dakini Bud has been cornered by a serrated reality,
like a feral animal without a proper home.

Please send precise directions
on where the central bail out office is located,
so that I can sign up for the
"just like everyone else" game.

Through The Eyes of An Absolutist

2011-11-06T20:10:00.000-08:00

Radical problems require radical solutions.
Anything in between only exasperates the original dilemma,
and weakens the integrity of an already compromised machine.

I Understand My Own Process

2011-11-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

I'm in a place now,
where I have to admit,
that I can no longer benefit,
from the experience of being so radically alone.

Dakini Bud's Trust Bond With Rasputin

2011-11-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

They have been meeting up in The Second Attention lately.
They process "complicated information" together.
They talk about things that would have been inappropriate
for Dakini Bud to share with the monk that lives in her neighborhood.

Earlier today,
Rasputin told Dakini Bud
that sometimes people lose their innocence
under unfortunate circumstances,
and that he can help her replace the bad memories with good ones.

Dakini Bud asked him about his 'scope of practice',
hoping that he could offer healing services
that the neighborhood monk
will never be in any kind of position to give.
So...Rasputin talked about the need for recapitulation,
done in a way,
that would leave Dakini Bud with a lasting smile,
rather than tears of sadness.

He even told her that she could give him The Li Mu Bai blueprint,
of how everything is supposed to look, feel, and sound,
under favorable karmic conditions.

The Idea of People Being That Good

2011-11-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

The Li Mu Bai that I wrote about,
really does exist.

It's a bit startling.

I wish I had known this 10 or 20 years ago,
but I wasn't healed enough,
or whole enough,
to recognize such things,
back then.

Last Night In The Milam Bardo

2011-11-03T06:39:00.000-07:00

Dakini Bud ran into Rasputin
over on Benevolent Savior Boulevard.
He says that he can hook her up
with some fat,
juicy,
choice universal healthcare.

Separated By Water

2011-11-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

Who are you ?

Are you affiliated with The TMT People ?
Can I read some of the things that you write about ?
Please ?

So What's This ?

2011-11-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

A picture of a Rorschach test ?
No silly,
it's a picture of a fixed universe,
where everything is always in its proper place.
The concept of entropy doesn't exist,
and there is free healthcare for all citizens of the world.

What's Next For Dakini Bud?

2011-10-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

Please don't tell the folks
over at The Terror Management Theory Headquarters
that I lost my out.

Someday-When Everything Is Just So

2011-10-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

I still make many assumptions about how the grass
is always greener.

I want to get my paws into the terrain
on the other side of the fence,
thinking,
"if I get a taste of this,
if I establish that,
if I acquire what I can't have,
don't have,
and never had,
then, at last,
everything will be just so."

Nothing is ever just so.

The monk once said this to me:

"You're like a child on the playground
that never stops throwing private temper tantrums,
because you want the lives, experiences, parents,
and chances, that the other kids have,
but if you really pay attention,
you'll see that all the other children
are playing the same game.
This is fairly common behavior."

Understand Something Very Important

2011-10-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

It breaks my heart to hold on.
It breaks my heart to let go.

I can accept that Li Mu Bai #1 is not available.
That's not where the problem lies.
It's the idea of Li Mu Bai that is hard for me to part with.

He represented a certain out for me.
Our marriage wasn't built on romantic ideals.
It was more like an arranged marriage;
function over form.
And that's why it worked.
There was nothing jazzy about it.
It was an utterly practical move for both of us.

We celebrated ordinary life.
We did exceedingly well with ordinary life.
He prevented me from going insane.
I felt so grateful to be in his presence;
together,
we knew how to make a lifetime of nothing moments,
sublime, tender, and very meaningful,
in a minimalist stripped down environment.
It wasn't one of those empty bourgeois marriages
that the masses rave about.

I realize that my past is partially responsible
for this fixation on finding some security.
The unmet needs of cellular memory
always need to be taken into consideration,
when we try to understand what motivates people
to become "attached to ideas about how others can help"
alleviate our own suffering.

I was raised in poverty,
and I never got enough to eat as a child.
( This could explain why I have been such a fierce
proletarian workhorse since then. )

When I was married to Li Mu Bai,
I didn't have to worry about these things.
We fetched water together.
We chopped wood together.
We ate together.
It was no longer me against the world,
working twice as hard as everyone else,
and only getting half as much done.

Li Mu Bai knew all about impermanence,
but he was "naturally monogamous",
capable of taking the good with the bad,
and willing to stand beside me in sickness and in health.
It wasn't difficult for him to promise me this.
He was very disciplined, loyal, and committed like that.

Dakini Bud's Experience

2011-10-29T18:24:00.001-07:00

So what made the biggest impact on me during my trial marriage
to Li Mu Bai?
That's easy to answer.
I didn't have to treat him like he's still a child,
because he didn't think, behave, or live in a way
that could hurt me.
His character was pretty remarkable,
stellar even.

So what does the monk
that I spent so much time with over the summer
have to do with any of this?

A lot.

The monk talked endlessly about the importance
of not doing any harm.
He was able to take the conversation to a pretty psychedelic level.
So when it came time to get married to Li Mu Bai,
I arrived well-equipped with the most important teachings
on how to avoid having a dead-end relationship
that would result in injury, bitterness,
or the need for recovery at a later time.

There really wasn't a honeymoon phase with Li Mu Bai.
We skipped it,
and got right into the "mechanics of marriage."
It was understated.
It was intuitive.
We pretty much thrived on the lack of bells and whistles.
Let's just say we liked the blank canvas.

Yes, Li Mu Bai has a girlfriend in real life,
and no, I can't pretend that we're married anymore.
I'm done spinning this web.
The important thing is that I understand the moral of the story.

Oh For Goodness Sake

2011-10-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

It's not linear,
this process.

I won't fantasize about Li Mu Bai anymore.
He has a girlfriend in the 3D world.
Surprise ! Surprise !

It's ok.
I'm not disappointed in any kind of major way.

I'm able to appreciate what he briefly represented.

He revealed that it's still possible for me
to get crushes on guys.

And that's a pretty big revelation.

It was really good practice having a pretend boyfriend,
under favorable karmic conditions.
It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

So I walk away from this phenomena with a good memory.

Darger Had His Vivian Girls

2011-10-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

And Dakini Bud has her *-#((;)*_.

Tell the folks over at the Terror Management Theory Headquarters
that Dakini Bud has finally scored herself
what appears to be a real tangible out.

I Received A Transmission Today

2011-10-24T19:33:00.001-07:00

It went something like this:

"If you want to understand the ways of Li Mu Bai's heart,
then you must learn how to be simple for man,
simple for man,
then Li Mu Bai,
he show you everything,
show you everything.
Hire PR person,
help you rewrite history.
You not speak about your past no more.
Li Mu Bai not so complicated.
He minimalist man."

It's Too Obscure

2011-10-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

Li Mu Bai might not understand,
might not understand,
and if he not understand,
then I try Li Mu Bai #2,
Li Mu Bai #2.

Notes From The Restorative Infirmary

2011-10-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

Earlier today,
as I was resting in coffin pose,
watching the seconds, minutes, and hours pass by,
I asked myself why I have never been able to get much mileage
out of the escapist fantasy life ?
And then I wondered if I'm the only one that doesn't have an out ?

But then I went into tonglen mode,
and quickly understood,
once again,
that many others are wondering the same thing.

And then I sent out vibes of understanding
to all the free fall people.

Who knows what waits tonight in the milam bardo?

In the absence of warm, fuzzy, cushy buffers,
courage building transmissions do get through.

Liberation Through Hearing

2011-10-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm actively dying.
We all are.

Li Mu Bai is just a distraction,
to help me avoid thinking about this.

It's A Landscape

2011-10-22T17:13:00.000-07:00

What Kind of landscape?
A landscape with year round allergies,
and heightened immune system sensitivities.

The Last Hurrah

2011-10-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

The end is a lot closer than we realize.
I want to start creating some favorable memories
that I can take to the grave with me.

Dakini Bud's Non-Action

2011-10-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

Even under favorable karmic conditions,
Dakini Bud hesitates with a sacred pause.

Blame it on her fear of cause and effect.

Sometimes it's best not to soil things
that are still undiluted.

Dakini Bud's Dependent Arising

2011-10-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

I FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING BOLD,
DARING,
AND UNEXPECTED.

'Other Focused' Curiosity

2011-10-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

I told Dakini Bud that she needs to

smile real big

if she wants Li Mu Bai to teach her new things.

How She Should Tell Her Story Now

2011-10-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

If someone new wants to know about her childhood,
she will respond with a perky nostalgia,
by communicating what a blessing it was to be alive,
long before Ronald Reagan took office,
and ruined this country for good.

She Got Her Fire Back

2011-10-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

Now she must remain patient,
and keep herself alert,
for the right kind of chance,
that will allow for
"a total opening."

Her chi has been restored.
She got her fire back.

Favorable Karmic Conditions

2011-10-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

The
greatest

3 word phrase
ever.

Other Shore Wisdom

2011-10-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

When we finally do learn from our mistakes,
we should rejoice and be glad.

Question For The Day

2011-10-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

I know we can't get any straight answers
on when and how we're going to die,
but can we at least get some kind of ball park figure
on how much longer we have to wait for the empire to fall?

There Is No Going Back

2011-10-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

As we get ever closer to losing this form,
our dreams start to change,
between the sleeping and waking hours.
These dreams aren't good or bad,
but they are full of certain insights,
that we can't avoid looking at,
when we no longer have any place left to hide.

I Feel So Blessed

2011-09-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

I don't need to create fantasies,
in order to deal with the true nature of reality.

It Seems That I Have Crossed Over

2011-09-27T21:33:00.001-07:00

I've always known that my job in this life,
was to heal the nausea.

And I can tell,
by the way I feel inside,
that I have accomplished what I set out to do,
four decades ago.

This is the kind of thing,
that I can write home about.

A Liberating Realization

2011-09-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

I can now say with certainty,
that I won't die with any regrets.

How do I know this?
Because,
I definitely no longer harbor any romantic notions,
about people, places, and things.

We Can Build Sand Mandalas

2011-09-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

but let us not forget
that the purpose of such a concentrated exercise
is to prepare ourselves for the dissolution ceremony,
that waits for us,
after our intricate labyrinths have been completed.

My Archive of Original Music Is On Soundcloud

2011-09-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

Click Here To Listen

Preparing For Phowa

2011-09-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's almost time.
It's getting close.

"Of all mindfulness meditations
That on death is supreme."

The Buddha

Age of Austerity

2011-09-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

If you have a few extra minutes,
you might want to say a prayer,
or practice tonglen,
for all of the people,
that are sick,
uninsured,
and out of work.

It Doesn't Always Begin With Calm-Abiding

2011-09-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

Any kind of abiding is better than no abiding at all.
Maybe it's twitch in the seat,
knees knockin',
free floating anxiety abiding.

Just abide with it,
get uncomfortably intimate with it,
because unlike the world of denial,
flashy distraction,
temporary escapism,
and avoidance,
there are no diminishing returns when we practice,
and keep our dates with the cushion.

Our Civic Duty

2011-09-09T07:28:00.001-07:00

"Reach out and touch somebody's hand,
make this world a better place, if you can."

So let me get this straight:
We're not allowed to get sick or get old in this country.
Tis' denial of impermanence taken to the extreme.

Going To The Other Shore

2011-09-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is oppressive at times,
"this precious human birth",
but like everything else,
it's impermanent.

When I combine the passing sensation of oppression,
with the sudden remembrance that lasting refuge
can always be found in the dharma,
somehow it doesn't feel so awful.

Practice Makes Us Sweeter

2011-09-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

If we sit with the obscurations,
and sit with them,
and sit with them,
and sit with them some more,
rather than fueling them,
or running from them,
they start to burn themselves out.

I'm very pleased about this.

Anger is my least favorite,
and most uncomfortable emotion.

Karma That We Have Control Over

2011-09-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

We can control the kind of karma that we publish.
We can control the kind of karma that we co-create with others.
We can make earnest efforts to not cause any harm,
and we should make these efforts,
in every situation that we encounter.

But I don't know if it's always a good idea,
to question if bad karma is being manifested
when private,
secret,
UNSHARED misanthropic thoughts grab our attention.
If this is something that we have to worry about,
then we're probably all going to burn in hell.
We're all thought criminals.

Is this the equivalent of venial sin,
where a certain penance must be paid
for possessing thoughts that we don't even want,
and are trying to get rid of ????

Isn't it enough to sit on the cushion,
and pray for release from the obscurations?

Or do we have to go out and purchase gifts for our enemies too?

We shouldn't treat everyone the same,
in regards to expectations associated with mind training.
Troubled, afflicted students, don't have the pristine,
unclouded minds of masters.
A person that lives with PTSD,
or suffers from a heightened nervous condition,
just isn't going to have the same meditation experience,
as someone that doesn't struggle with such challenging ailments.

Start where you are.

( This post has nothing to do with my teacher, or any kind of conversation that I had with him. )

The Karma Police Are Watching

2011-09-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to say anything
that I will have to erase at a later time.